This article was first published July 5, 2010. It has been edited and updated.
The best way to clean up after an explosion is to prevent it from happening. Stop the bomb from exploding you will be in much better shape. Sometimes the best way to prevent a destructive argument is to prevent it from happening in the first place. This article offers a way to keep peace in the family.
Arguments Happen
Let me be clear, no matter how strong your relationship, arguments will happen. You have your ideas, and they have theirs. Invariably, those ideas will sometimes clash. How you handle those clashing moments is critical to the peace and tranquility of the family or friendship.
Young people enter marriage thinking that love conquers all. True love does. But it takes a while before fully reaching that stage of a relationship. After all, love is not a feeling but a decision. Specifically, it is giving our best to an imperfect person even when that person does not give it back. It’s the kind of love that Christ has for all men.
Face it. There are times when people just don’t get along. Prepare for those times, and you will enjoy a better outcome.
Defuse the Argument
Stop an approaching argument in it’s tracks. Take its power away and defuse the heated moment.
Don’t be afraid to walk away.
When tempers flare, and voices rise, we are no longer listening. We do not hear what is being said. Instead of listening, we are planning our comeback response. And it’s not just you but the person you are arguing with. When that disconnect happens, the fuse is lit, and an argument is coming.
Sometimes we say almost the same thing, but our anger deafens their comments. By stepping back and cooling off we instantly improve communication. This is not surrender, and it is not shutting down. This is taking a strategic break to allow emotions to cool. We do not want to end the discussion, but to pause it. Emotions will not bring long-term agreement.
Whitney Summerer is a West Coast Family Therapist who writes about research published by The Gottman Institute. She and Gottman suggest pausing discussions when partners become “flooded” or overwhelmed. A 20 or 30-minute break is required to allow emotions and the entire nervous system time to reset. It is vital to say that you need a short break. Don’t just walk away. Then, at the end of the break, resume the discussion calmly.
Words represent ideas and ideas are extraordinarily powerful.
In anger, we say things we should not. You know this is true because you have both received the brunt of such words and you have spoken them. A man and a woman were once fighting. The argument escalated until the man shouted, “You know all the times I said I was sorry and that you were right? I was lying!” It’s not surprising that he made his bed beside the family pet that night, as he should have. In the Bible, James warned that an unruly tongue is tough to tame (James 3:5-12). Anyone who has lost his temper in a family fight knows how right he is. The secret here is simple: Think before you open your mouth.
Consider the power of words. Able to wound or to heal, they actually guide the course of the world. Nations go to war when grownups stop talking. When words are used as cudgels, anger is not far behind. It’s the same at home. Consider what you say before you say it.
Is pride the problem?
I’m a man and I like to fix things. I am not satisfied to let something go unattended when I think I can say the right thing or offer just the perfect logic to settle an argument. I don’t want to postpone my inevitable victory of wisdom! That’s a problem. It’s hard for me to walk away but that is exactly what I need to learn to do. Guys, think with me a minute. Your wife is really pretty smart – I mean she did marry you, right? So if she is smart we probably should listen to her more often. That means we need to stop talking and cool off. Then we can listen to her wisdom.
It seems so simple, and it is until our pride intervenes. When we are prideful, we have lifted ourselves above the level of the person we are talking to. We think we know better.
It’s not surprising that the Bible warns against pride. Here are two verses that need no explanation.
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom. (Proverbs 11:2
Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. (Proverbs 16:18)
Pride is like the match that lights the fuse. Snuff it out first!
Jesus, Herod and Pilate
Have you ever noticed how little Jesus said when he was on trial before Pilate and Herod? The Gospel accounts are in Matthew 26:57 ff; Mark 14:53 ff; Luke 22:66 ff; John 18:19 ff. Jesus spoke very little, considering his fate was before him. The things he said were short and to the point and without a hint of anger. At this most critical time in his life, Jesus was a picture of calmness. Even though Jesus was the Creator come in the flesh and was immeasurably superior to Herod and Pilate, he did not act it. Perfect control is the example of Jesus.
We should try to emulate Jesus. Let others speak. Remain calm. Don’t fight. Losing your temper is a habit and may require some time to correct. But with work and plenty of prayer you can overcome your anger.
I would be most grateful if you would leave a comment below. Any applause, criticism, thought, or request would be appreciated.
